Things I never want to forget

I have not done one of these in a while so I thought I would update the list to the things I want to remember. These blogs have taken a different meaning lately because Shane and I have decided we are done having kids. We may look into adoption or Foster care down the road but for now we are done with babies. It is bittersweet. Exciting to be moving on to the next stage of our lives and sad the baby stage is ending, I always loved being pregnant. So I think doing these type of blog posts will help me remember all the fun baby things.

1. I never want to forget the sound a diaper makes on a moving babies bum.
2. I never want to forget how soft baby skin and hair are.
3. I never want to forget the way by boys look at each other (they are totally in love).
4. I never want to forget how sweet it is to hear Tristen say new words.
5. I never want to forget how excited Connor gets when he does something new.
6. I never want to forget how sweet fish kisses are.
7. I never want to forget how sweet it sounds when Tristen says sorry.
8.  I never want to forget how peaceful a sleeping baby looks.

It is truly amazing how fast babies grow up. To me it just seems like Tristen was born, and now he is 2 and a little boy. It can be hard in the daily routine to take time and really treasure those moments but when I look into those boys smiling faces it freeze time for just a moment and in those precious moments i say my thanks for my blessed life.

Wonder Woman

Why is it as Mom and Women we have to be a jack of all trades. We have to be able to be soft and affectionate for our husbands and kids, Hard and mechanical to be able to teach and discipline our kids (and sometimes husbands LOL), Smart, Sensitive, a good listener, a coach, a cheerleader, a nurse, a cook, a maid, and a handyman all rolled into one.

What the crazy part is we are made to be this way. Nature knew that Women had to be everything to everyone so we were made to be that way. We are programed to multi-task. I can play two totally different games with each boy and not skip a beat. Shane on the other  hand would not be able to do this and not because he doesn't want to but because he cannot. Men's brains are not programed to multi-task like Women are.

I learned in a Bio college course that Women's brains have a bigger Hypothalamus which is our multitask "organ". The hypothalamus connects the left and the right brain and the bigger the hypothalamus the more multitasking you can do.

The human body is so amazing, to me it is hard to believe that all of this is because of nature. It  makes me believe there is more to life than just random acts and it all has a purpose.

" I DO"!!!!!

3 years ago today I married my best friend and love of my life! My wedding day was such a magical day. I found the perfect dress that made me feel on top of the world. I was able to have almost all of my family and friends there to celebrate my perfect day. Everything looked beautiful, My Uncle Chris had the reception hall looking amazing! (his website http://progressiveevents.com/) We had great food and music! It really was the best day!

Shane and I go WAY back. I know have known him almost my entire life, at least the parts I remember. I met him in Jr High at a YMCA dance. I asked him to be my "boyfriend" that next Monday with a check yes/no note that my Friend Angie helped me deliver. I am pretty sure I just chucked the note at him and ran off. He of course checked YES and chucked the note back at me. Little did I know then that would be the man I would marry.

We shared our first kiss together, and I had to teach him how to do it. Little did I know then I was teaching the man I would marry how to kiss me for the rest of my life!! My family moved to a smaller town about 30 miles away and of course to kids who cannot drive it might as well been different states. I wrote him a dear john letter to Whitney Houston's song I will always love you breaking things off.

We stayed friends and reconnected when we were 16, 18, 20 and then I moved to Arizona to be with him when I was 23. We both knew by that point we had something really special and worth risking our friendship to see if was something more. We have never looked back and it has been the greatest time.

In the 3 years we have been married we have moved 6 times, 3 states, 2 kids, 2 miscarriages, bought a house and lost Julie his mom. It has been a whirlwind 3 years but I would not want to go through any of it without him!

I am so blessed and really lucky to have found my Mr. Right!!!

It fits!!!!

OMGosh it FITS!!!! That is what I yelled when my wedding ring slipped into place! I have not been able to wear it in over 2 years and we have only been married 3 as of tomorrow. I am really embarrassed to say this but its too exciting to keep quite about it.

I never thought it would be so hard to lose weight, I have never had to do it before. After my first miscarriage I gained 20 pounds by eating non stop comfort food. When Tristen came I did really well till the last month and because I took off work early thinking he would come early I had raging hormones and the only cure for them was ice cream sandwiches and mac and cheese. I was not one of the lucky woman who lost weight just by breastfeeding, I actually gained weight. I was very proud of myself with Connor gained 10 pounds and lost it all and then some the week he was born but like clock work I gained while breastfeeding. After my second miscarriage and eating my emotions for 3 whole days I said ENOUGH! Its time to get healthy and buckle down.

I want to be active with my kids, live a long healthy life and be able to keep up with my grand kids one day. If I don't start now it will never happen. So as some of you know I started the herbalife program which is a meal supplement (shakes for breakfast and lunch) program. I know skeptics have alot to say but I feel so good about it. I feel healthy, losing weight and have never felt happier.

And now my beautiful wedding ring fits....IT FITS!!!! I was wearing a very sentimental ring but it was so tiny and made me feel weird because I had such a beautiful ring sitting at home that I could not put on. But now I can!

I am excited about this journey and can't wait till I say I hit my goal...being happy with the way I am! I know that day is coming soon :)

I have turned into my Father!!!

I have always known I was going to be just like my mom. I look like her, I laugh like her and in almost every way I am just like her. I was prepared for that and not shocked when I started doing and saying the same things my mom said when I was growing up.

What I was not prepared for was turning into my father as well. We all used to cry in the car when he wanted to listen to the oldies station....and now what do I listen to in the car....yup you guessed it OLDIES!!! We all used to make fun of him for buying how to books, every project he wanted to do he would go buy a book about how to do it, read up on it and then attempt it.....what did I just buy yesterday.... A how to book on decks...SERIOUSLY!!! When did I turn into my father!!!

Not that it is a bad thing it just took me by surprise! I was not prepared to do the things he did as we grew up. I know there are going to be times I say one of his catch phrases to the boys and just hope I can keep a straight face when those words come out of my mouth.

We're Back!

Wow that feels weird to say...."We are back in Nebraska". A phrase I vowed I would never say, that was before kids and before my priorities changed. It has been 6 years almost to the day since I left Nebraska. I never thought about where I wanted to raise my kids all I knew is I wanted to leave Nebraska and make a life for myself.

Little did I know I would marry my first boyfriend from Nebraska, have kids in California and move back to Nebraska. It is funny how your priorities change. When it was just Shane and I we didn't care about the school system, owning a big home and saving money for college. Now that is all we think about. Making sure we live in the best school system we can, owning a big home for them to grow up in and being in a place were the cost of living was low enough so we can do family trips, be debt free and save for two college funds.

We have only been back a week and I am sooo happy. I am excited for my boys to grow up with family and friends that we have grown up with. I have met more neighbors here than AZ and CA combined. And yes I have missed all the waving LOL if you don't know what I am talking about, everyone in Ne waves at everyone walking or driving. I used to think it was so stupid but I have missed it.

I will be posting lots of adventures in house remodeling and all the fun things the boys and I get into :)

When you say goodbye....I say hello!!!

It still feels surreal that this time tomorrow the boys and I will be on a flight back to Nebraska. It sometimes feels like a step back, Shane and I said we would never move back, there was no reason to...until we had our kids. It's funny how your priorities change when you look into those little eyes and know you are responsible for these little people.

Nebraska was the best choose for our family. We were able to buy a house, save money, travel, send them to great schools and raise them in the manner we value. There is something about the Midwest that feels right. I am sure when the boys look back at their baby pictures and see the beach and sun they will ask "What the heck were you thinking!!!". I know its the right thing but it is sad leaving paradise.

We have had such a fun time here, they weather is amazing, we have met some amazing people and done some really fun things. It will be bittersweet that is for sure.

I have felt a little lost out here without family to help with the boys. We will have friends who are family and support in Nebraska that we don't have here. There are people I trust to leave my boys with so Shane and I can have a night off. There are people who will love my boys like I do. Although Nana and PopPop are not there we do have adoptive grandparents that can help out which will be so nice! And Nana and PopPop always visit their boys.

So I don't say goodbye.... I say Hello. Hello to a better life for me and my family! Hello to old friends and to new ones and Hello to date night with Shane or a night out with the girls...FINALLY!!!!!

SAHM

For those of you who don't know what SAHMis, it stands for Stay At Home Mommy and that is what I am. I am a mom who stays at home with my children to spend every moment with them but that does not make who I am.

I think one of the biggest lessons I learned about being a SAHM is that it can't be my whole life. There has to be something I do on a daily basis that is just for me. I did not realize how dealing with tantrum after tantrum, stinky diaper after stinky diaper and mess after mess would get to me. You could easily go insane if you do not take time for your self. I know I have and I know many others that do.

Before I became a mommy I had all of these fantasies of what type of Mom I would be. My house would be sparkling clean.... because I would have all of this free time, Dinner always on the table.... because I would have all this free time and I could run all the errands... because I would have all this free time. Now looking back I have to laugh at my poor little naive self. I didn't have a clue what being a  SAHM was really all about.

I had no idea that it would be the hardest job I have ever done, and I have done some really hard jobs. What I also didn't know was although being exhausted  its the most rewarding job and I never seem to run out of energy to make sure my boys are happy. I didn't know truly what a blessing being able to spend every moment with them was going to be.

Looking back at all of the tantrums, diaper changes and messes I had to clean up it will be totally worth it and I am sure one day I will miss all of it.

Where were you?!?!?!

So yesterday was one of those days people ask, "where were you when Bin Laden died?". I am not really into all the politics, I avoid getting involved in debates and most of the time hate expressing my opinions because it will usually spark a debate.

I am happy for the ones who lost lives in 9/11 and those families in the military. I feel like yesterdays confirmation of Bin Laden's death gives them some closure and justice. I feel kinda weird celebrating someones death, even though he was a horrible person. It just feels weird to me, maybe its because I am not really involved. I didn't get personally involved with 9/11 either. I cried at the memorial and watched all the news coverage but it didn't affect me personally. So with Bin Laden's death I do not feel personal justice.

I am lucky not to have had anyone die in 9/11 or anyone affected by the war but I know so many people have been and I am happy with them. It is funny the things in your lifetime you want to remember. Princes Di's death, 9/11, William and Kate's marriage and now Bin Laden's death. Will be interesting to see the rest of the "Where were you?" questions over the next 60 years.

By no you mean...yes?!?!?

Why is it in beaded into woman to analyze everything people say. "He said yes....but does he really mean No"? I have yet to meet another woman who doesn't do this. It's not just with our husbands, partners or boyfriends, it's with everyone.

We are always second guessing someones motives, feelings and opinions. I do it on a daily basis, sometimes hourly depending on who I am around. Why is it we never take someone at face value. Is it a learned "skill" from our experiences, or are we born with it as a "survival" tactic.

Sometimes I am right, I have guessed or felt the reason motive behind someones actions. But other times I am sooo off base. I would say its a 50/50 odds I will have the real motive, thoughts or opinions behind a persons actions.

I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I have ruined friendships because I thought too deep into someones words or actions but I have saved myself hurt by shutting people out that way too. Is this just a woman thing or do Men do it too?

I have never heard my husband say "well she offered to carry my bags but do you think its because she thinks I am lazy" Or analyze why someone complimented how he looked that day. But I know I have said/thought those things.

Maybe its just one of life's little mysteries that we never figure out. I would love to say from this day forward I will not read into things but I know for a fact that's not possible for me. I know I will always read into things, lets just hope it doesn't run off friends ;)

Detox

So I am in the mists of a detox, and no its not any illicit drugs but a drug no less...sugar. My comfort food is junk food, anything sweet and all things bad for you. Since the news last week of the miscarriage I went on a bender of chocolate bunnies, smores and hamburgers. Today is the first day back to normal and boy is my body pissed.

You don't realize when you are eating all that sugar that it is truly a drug. You can become addicted to it and dependant on it just like any other drugs. So many argue its the leading killer out of all the drugs because sugar leads to people being over weight which leads to many other problems that can lead to death.

I keep telling myself this as my head is about to explode from my detox of crap. I know in 3 days I will feel so much better. Its sad really that we eat these things to make ourselves feel better in the moment but in the long run it makes us feel worse.

So today is the first day back on track. My goal is a number but ultimately its to be a healthier and happier mommy. I need to be the example to my boys on what healthy eating is.  Today maybe rough but in the long run when my body is not dependant on sugar I will feel like myself again :)

Vows

So as May starts it always makes me think of my wedding. This year is our 3rd wedding anniversary and it feels like yesterday Shane kissed me for the first time in 8th grade. Hard to imagine so much time has gone by and now I am married to that little boy, although that little boy is now a man, we have two perfect little boys and are celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary.

It got me thinking about our wedding vows. When I said them I never really thought about the words. I knew the commitment we were making but to me the ceremony wasn't what made my commitment to Shane. I got to thinking today about the things we have been through since we got married.

We found out the day after our wedding we were pregnant, we moved to California a week after our wedding, 6 weeks later we found out we lost the baby, 3 weeks after that we found out Shane's mom's cancer was back, 6 weeks after that we found out we were pregnant with Tristen, 2 weeks after that we lost Shane's mom, 9 months later we had Tristen, 6 months later we were pregnant with Connor, 10 months later he was born, 7 months later we buy a house in Nebraska and find out we are pregnant again, 3 weeks later we lose the baby. Its been a crazy 3 years and I am so blessed to have my best friend through all of those ups and downs.

Our vows went like this " I, Shane take you Sarah, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part". Those simple words mean so much to me now. With all the things we have gone through in not only the 3 years of marriage but also the 15 years we have known each other. I am so grateful to have him in my life and as my partner.

Counting the blessings

Someone said to me when I was upset about the loss of my baby to count my blessings....at first I was hurt but as I thought about it tonight I thought what a great idea....let me count my blessings because I do have MANY more than most and should be happy and think about those. So lets count the blessings!!!!

1. Two healthy/happy boys
2. My husband/best friend partner in life Shane
3. The most amazing parents who support everything I do
4. Being able to stay at home and enjoy every moment with my boys
5. A husband who loves to cook
6. A husband who loves his boys and helps with everything he can
7. Being able to move and buy a house
8. Having the best friends
9. Not having to stress about money and bills
10. My husbands job

So I have MANY more but you get the point :) The saying "Count your blessings" does help. Knowing I have so much helps the hurt of losing something little. I am so blessed to have been able to conceive and deliver my boys with no issues. There are so many people who can't do that. I think my miscarriages have taught me to appreciate them even more. Life is so precious, too precious to waste on grief and sadness. So I am choosing to spend my life on the happy not the sad.

I have always been a firm believer of the phrase "'fake it till you make it" and I think it applies here. I might not feel happy but I am going to "fake" it and one day I won't have to fake it I will be happy again :)

Finding the meaning

Probably the most asked question is "what is the meaning of life". I am not a religious person but I am spiritual. I believe in God and that everything happens for a reason. The things we go through are to teach us something. It is sometimes obvious the lessons we are learning and other times it takes a few years before you realize why we went through those experiences.

After this loss I kept asking myself "what is the lesson here" and "what am I supposed to learn". I trust in God's plan for me and my family but sometimes it is hard to see the rainbow through the rain. I think the hardest thing is having faith in something you cannot see or feel. Trusting that things always work out and that nothing happens on accident; that there is always a reason.

It reminds me of the song by Garth Brooks, Unanswered prayers. I have had so many countless unanswered prayers that I am so happy never came true. So every time I get sad that we lost this baby I remind myself something great is just around the corner and to trust in God's plan for me. Because everything does happen for a reason and this is just another unanswered prayer.

Moving

I completely enjoy the moving process...well before kids. I love putting our stuff in boxes, I clean everything really well so when I open them in the new place its fresh and ready to be put in shelves and on walls. I have moved alot in my life. growing up the longest place we lived in was the 4 years in high school. I have been to countless schools and a few states.

I like starting over, meeting new people and being in new places. Shane and I have been together 5 years and we have moved 6 times. This last move will be our final for a while. I am looking forward to making a home for my family. Making some concrete memories and traditions. Making this place our home.

This time the packing/cleaning process has been a little rough with two little ones running around. Not only can I not pack while they are awake because they take my focus away or Tristen is digging into the box. But it also seems to stress them out because they don't understand why mom is putting stuff away.

I also have to wait to pack stuff up because they need so much stuff on a daily basis. I can't pack toys up yet, curtains, clothes, even dishes.

I think I have a really good packing system now and feel pretty confident I can pack the rest of our stuff up with very little stress on me and the boys. I am just hoping that we can really settle into the new place and not have to worry about moving the next year :)

Putting on faces

It's amazing all the faces we put on just to get through the day. We put on a happy face when we are sad, we put on a safe face when we are scared, we put on a strong face when we are weak, we even put on make up to cover our real faces.

What's wrong with showing how we really feel. Why can't we cry in sadness when we should be happy. Why can't we be scared and weak when we should be strong and confident. Putting on all of these faces is exhausting and alot of work.

The reason we put on these faces is not for ourselves but for other people. We are programmed to protect other people, to try and prevent them from feeling pain or hurting their feelings. Sometimes I want to just let all of these faces fall and let how I really feel out. Regardless of how it hurts them but of course I won't nor would anyone else.

I am lucky to have people who can see the real me, see how I really feel with no "face" on. Having that safe person is so important and I am so luck to have more than one person to share how I really feel with!

Life is never easy

Life is never easy but it is totally worth it. I have never been a depressive type of person. I have my moments of sadness but I  think I am pretty good at moving on, being positive and not holding on to the past. Although I am sad about our miscarriage today is a new day.

Shane and I have had a lot of ups and downs and I think now we are pretty good at rolling with the punches. We always seem to have a ton of balls in the air and some how we catch them all. So although this wasn't planned we will roll with it.

We have so many good things to focus on, our boys, the move to Nebraska and owning our own home that dwelling in our sad day just doesn't feel right. When you get knocked down at some point you have to get up again. For me today is that day!

Another Angel

So today is a sad day. I woke up with some bleeding and cramping, I headed to the Drs office knowing in my heart my baby was gone. During the ultrasound I just stared at my two beautiful boys to keep me focused on something positive. I think I only heard 1/2 of what she said because I don't think my heart could take the news.

No matter how many times you have a miscarriage or how far along you are it still a pain like no other. A piece of your heart dies. I am the type of person who falls in love easy and as soon as that test says positive that's it I am in love. So it is heartbreaking to hear that little person, no matter how small its is, that I fell in love with is gone.

I think because I have gone through this before its a little easier to deal with and being able to look at my perfect little boys gets me through and keeps my mind off things. Deep down I know that everything happens for a reason and I trust in God's plan for me and my family but today that knowledge doesn't make me feel any better.

I keep thinking about all the plans we made, the names we picked out and the hopes/dreams we had about expanding our family. And now its all gone, like it never existed and I am left a little broken. I don't forget for a second how blessed I already am and try to tell myself that God just needed another perfect little angel.

I am so lucky to have a great husband, beautiful kids, amazing family and friends who support me and love me. Life does go on, my heart will heal and maybe one day another baby will come around.

I wonder....

I always see these put together moms with well behaved super smart kids and I wonder...how the heck to do they do it. I feel like I jumped on a treadmill at full speed and can't get my feet under me to get into my stride. I see them with makeup on, nice clothes, kids look happy and well behaved and I have on jeans and a t-shirt, hair in a pony possibly some powder but never full make up and one of my kids is usually crying.

I am sure some of my self doubt is playing into this, but it feels like they have some magical secret with being the "Perfect" mom and I on the other hand am still in survival mode. We take each day as it comes and hope we all survive. Now I know my kids are happy, healthy and get everything they need. But I always look at those moms and wish I knew the secret. They seem so calm and have it all together.

When I think about adding one more to the mix I start to have a panic attack...3 under 30 months....wow. How am I going to survive, how am I going to be that "perfect" mom. I don't ever worry about having enough love to give to 3 babies because I think I have enough for LOTS more. Its my patience and sanity I worry about LOL I keep trying to remind myself people do it all the time. My kids will get all the education they need from me, I will have time for each of them and its not that important if I have make up on.

Life on Auto Pilot

It is truly amazing how quickly time passes when you put life on auto pilot. I swear I blinked and its been months since I last wrote. ALOT has happened during that time. We got an amazing surprise and are expecting baby Darling #3. It was not planned but sometimes the best things in life are not planned. It took me a while to breath once I saw the little plus sign I think it was like a week later LOL I am such a planner that this completely through me for a loop. Shane of course was the stable one and didn't blink or miss a beat when I told him. Which was so comforting to me to know that he thought it was all going to be just fine. I keep telling myself people have kids this close together and survive. I also keep thanking God to be so lucky to be able to have babies with no problems. So many deserving people are unable to have their own children and I have a hard time not making babies, I would say that is a total blessing. We however, are done for sure. Once we know everything is ok with this baby Shane is getting fixed. No more surprise babies for me!!!

Another major change in our lives is also happening at the same time. We are moving back to Nebraska...wow I really never thought those words would come from my mouth. It is truly the best thing for my family. We have bought a house, which I have yet to see in person, its a good thing I trust Shane LOL We are moving in 18 days and I am so excited. My kids with grow up with family around them, have great schools, and be able to have something to call their own. I am so proud of the decision we made and cannot wait to make memories in our first home


So that's all the exciting things happening here! I will try and post more because there are so many things going on everyday that I would love to share! Thanks Sue for the push :)

Regrets

People always ask each other the question "What is your biggest regret" and up until this point I always said nothing because I love who I am and where I am at so I wouldn't change anything because it got me here. Well now I have a regret that for some reason just cannot work through.

I am no longer breastfeeding...this is by far my biggest regret. I think about it every moment of every day. I feel like a failure and just cannot get past this. I have so many feelings and emotions about this decision that I thought I would blog about it to just get it all out. Although I am so ashamed to talk about it, that I am going to be judged and looked down upon I just have to get it out.

We went to my brothers wedding the middle of February and up until that point things with breastfeeding were going pretty smooth, Connor's stomach and digestion were a constant issue, I am pretty sure I didn't have the best latch and feeding on the go were not easy but for the most part it was smooth. I let the boys stay with a dear friend and packed up all my reserve breast milk for him. I pumped a couple times that day but not as much as I should have and my supply felt low so I would give a bottle of formula after Connor ate off me.

Through the next couple weeks I would give him a bottle and it seemed I was doing less and less breastfeeding. Before I knew it we were done....and I felt ok about it. Well that is until
I became engorged after two days of not breastfeeding and not only with milk but with guilt, shame and regret.

People work so hard to do what I was able to do and I feel like I failed. I gave up what was best for my son because I felt I wasn't making enough milk but I must have been because I was so engorged. I feel like I failed as a mom for the first time since being a mom. 

No matter how many times someone tells me that I did great, they are proud of me and what a good mom I am I still don't feel that way. I just wish I had spoken to a lactation consultant or reached out for help instead of feeling like I couldn't speak out because I felt like I was failing.

I am sure Connor will be just fine and I will get over this but as for now that is my biggest regret and I would take back that decision in a second.

Perceptions

Perceptions are funny. Two people can look at the exact same thing at the same time and see something completely different. We bring along all of our experiences and use them to judge people and situations. Depending on what experiences we have we judge people positively or negatively.

The perceptions we have about ourselves are always off. Some people think they are hot when they are not and others do not realize how amazing they are. I did not realize how much perceptions plays at part into our daily lives until recently.

I have been struggling with my self image my whole life. As I was looking back at old pictures I remember thinking how horrible I looked and now looking at those pictures I would kill to have that body again. Now I am on the other side of the spectrum where I look at myself and all I see are the flaws, the imperfections, the wrinkles, added weight and marks my kids have left behind.

Why is it that as women we never see what we have and are grateful for it? My perceptions of myself effect most things in my life. I used to be really social but now my self image plays apart in my shyness when meeting new people.  I am sure their perceptions of me are not what I think they are but the reel of self doubt always plays through my head when I see new people.

As kids we run around and when we come across a new face we are excited and we are friends instantly. Now as adults we question everything, why are they saying hi, who are they, what are they looking at, do they think I am ugly, are they judging me. Now making friends is a job not exciting like it used to be. I miss the simple days of when we were younger before perceptions crept in and we took everything at face value.

Welcome to Holland

This post truly touched me. I would hope if I ever have a child with challenges I would look at it as this person does. It brings home the point that EVERY child is a blessing.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

That time agian...

So tonight I had to go through all of Connor's clothes to clean out the ones he cannot fit into any more. I hate doing this. It always makes me so sad. To think of how fast he is growing, how much money was spent on these clothes that he only wore a couple times and super sad that I might never pull out these clothes again.

It is truly amazing how quick babies grow. I swear I pick him up in the morning and he has doubled his size over night. Its like all of a sudden he went from a newborn to a baby to a infant over night. It is so hard not to get lost in the daily life and miss all the little changes. With Tristen I was so anxious to see what was next I didn't take time to see what was going on at the moment. With Connor I have learned to take time and just watch all the little things that he is doing now because in the back of my mind I know that this could be that last baby we have.

With Tristen I always knew we were going to have another so I never got sad about not seeing things again. With Connor I know that this could be it so when Connor does something for the first time it is bitter sweet because I know that could be the last time I see a baby laugh for the first time, or roll for the first time or blow razzeberries for the first time. 

These moments are so precious I never want to let them go. I have started considering making a quilt out of all their baby clothes so when they grow up and leave me one day I will be able to snuggle in this blanket made of all their baby memories and remember that no matter what I will always have something to hold on to. I am sure they will always love their momma but I know one day there will be another woman who will take them away and I know that's the plan but it will be bittersweet for me as I am sure it is bittersweet for every mother of a little boy.

The Power of Water

Aside from all the normal things we need water for i.e life, water is magical in my house. It can cure any bad mood, make tummy aches go away and turn a boring day into the best one yet. My kids LOVE water, it is a my go to thing when I don't know what to do.

Today I thought to get some quality mommy and Tristen time I would get water balloons and Tristen and I would have a balloon fight. I learned today there is an art to filling up and tying a water balloon. I was completely soaked and it took me an hour to fill up the bucket full of the balloons. Of course I was a totally girl about it and made sure there were enough of each color so the bucket looked nice.

Tristen ate his lunch, I got Connor all set up outside and let Tristen out. He ran over to the bucket of balloons all excited and curious. He picked one up and it popped in his hand. Then all Hell broke loose. He went screaming and running for cover. I tried to show him they were safe, tried to get him to touch the balloon, showed him it was fun to have them pop on his feet. But all he did was scream at the sight of them.

Eventually he would let me pick one up if I held him so I made it a game and then let him throw them. In the end he warmed up to them but I was shocked that he did not like them right away. Poor Tristen is going to look back on all of these videos and think I am such a mean mommy LOL

You don't use it you lose it!

So the saying is true, "If you don't use it you lose it"! I used to be this smart woman who wrote  interesting papers, with no grammar mistakes or spelling errors. Now that woman is no where to be found. I knew that by writing this blog I would invoke reactions, one of the reactions I was not expecting was people telling me I need to proof read my blog better, check my grammar closer and to use spell check (which I do). It saddens me that I have lost my touch when it comes to writing. My husband was polite when approaching me with this but my feelings were a little hurt. One of the feelings I hate the most is feeling stupid.

All the baby talk, Disney cartoons and goo goo gaa gaa's have gotten to me. It never even occurred to me that I would turn into this babbling buffoon. I even find it hard to carry on a normal adult conversation. The topic always turns to poop I swear.

Have I become this uninteresting, uneducated (I do have a masters degree), babbling idiot? One of the reasons I wanted to write this blog was to use my brain. I feel like most days I NEVER use it, not once during that day, heck sometimes I swear I go a week without using it.

When I became I mom I knew things would change but I was not prepared for me to lose my "smarts", I didn't have any extra to lose in the first place.

Cooking Darling Boy Style

Last night I was way to tired to actually make dinner. So Tristen, Connor and I all voted and decided pancakes for dinner was the best option. Tristen was overly tired and VERY whiny so I thought "why not let him help" So I pulled Tristen up to the counter, he stood on the chair ( I was right behind him). I let him measure out the mix, crack the egg, pour in the milk and stir.

It wasn't a complete disaster, Tristen was so amazed and proud of himself. He has never "cooked" with us before. It always made me nervous but tonight I knew I was cleaning the kitchen anyway and what is the harm. He actually didn't make much of a mess. He is very careful, he concentrates so hard to make sure he does it "right". It is cute now but I have this sinking feeling this determination might come and bite me on the butt later on.

He watched me as I put the globs of mix on the pan, I let him help me flip them. He stood their at my feet with his plate waiting for his pancakes so patiently. Sometimes he surprises me, He takes direction so well, he wants to help so badly and I kick myself sometimes when I see how happy it makes him. It reminds me that I need to step out of the mommy mode more and let him do things. Regardless of the mess he makes because in the end it is more important that my child is happy, feels self worth and accomplishment than having a clean kitchen.

Drowning in Motherhood

I read a fellow blogger's post about drowning in motherhood and I busted into tears. I have been feeling like I was drowning for a month now. Having two kids 14 months apart is exhausting. I was too embarrassed to talk about my feeling because I wanted people to think I had it all together, that I was the "perfect" mommy. Well SURPRISE I am not LOL.

I realized if I did not talk about my feelings that other moms who felt the same way would also feel like they were alone in their feelings. Too many times we hold all of this in because we are afraid of what people will think. Well I am going to let the cat out of the bag.

I have alot more good days than bad, I would never for a second change my life, but it is H-A-R-D being a mommy.  I thought I was prepared for sleepless nights, stressful days and tantrums but boy was I wrong!! I was also not prepared at how post partum was going to make things that much harder.

There are days I do not have enough patience to deal with the constant screaming from Tristen and feel as though I do not have enough to give to my two babies. When they are both in bad moods and crying I have this overwhelming guilt because I cannot give what they both need. I always feel like one is not getting enough. The logical part of me says that is not true but compared to the Mommy part of me I can barely hear the logical voice.

As many times as my husband tells me I am doing a great job, I do not feel that way. It is very much like drowning, I have days where I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean with no help in sight, fighting to keep my head above water and knowing that in a matter of moments I am going to lose it. 

Do I have good days, of course I do, and in the moments of madness I try and remember them. I try to remind myself that I cannot do everything, I cannot have a perfect house, have the perfect dinner and be the perfect mom/wife all the time...or even most the time. That  most people are like me, I am not the exception, I am the norm.

I wish more people talked about the struggles of being a mom so more of us didn't feel so guilty for not being able to do it all.

Mommy Debates

Before I became a mommy I "knew" how I wanted to raise my child. I assumed it was the way everyone else was raising their children as well. Not until I became a mommy did I realize all the "Mommy Debates" out there.

Epidural vs Natural birth, Breastfeeding vs Formula, To circumcise or not, Co-sleeping or not, Vaccinate or not, cloth vs disposable diapers and solids in the first year or not. There are sooo many moms out there with completely different views on these topics than I have. I did not realize that people did things so differently than I do. If you are a mom you know how strongly fellow moms can feel about the way they are raising their child.

What I was not prepared for was the judgement fellow moms can have if you are not raising your child the same way they are. What I don't understand is why people think the way they are raising their child is better than the way others have raised theirs. Most of us turn out to be amazing people, so why do they think judging and making other moms feel bad about raising their children differently is necessary.

I agree some people should NEVER have kids but for the most part most parents do the best they can for their children, they make the right decisions for them and yes they make mistakes and those children turn out just fine. The mom next door does everything differently, makes different decisions for their children and makes different mistakes and those children turn out just the same.

I might wonder why someone choose to react a certain way or do things differently than I do but it comes from me wanting to learn not to judge.  I wish we could all support each other instead of judge each other. I think the most powerful support system I have is from fellow Mommies and I think everyone should have that support system and it saddens me that some women do not.

So no matter how you choose to raise your child, just know there is a fellow mom out there doing it completely different and still needs your support.

Nutrition

There has been a lot of buzz about the Governments role in our children's nutrition. (again not a political argument just my thoughts). Mrs Obama has a campaign right now to fight childhood obesity. I think all the commercials with her in them are great but it makes me wonder if it is giving parents an out when they feed their children junk food because they expect someone to step in and stop them.

I recently read an article about people wanting the Government to step in and outlaw foods that are bad for our children. I just do not see the purpose of this. Isn't that what parents are for? Isn't that our job? Does my child eat healthy all the time... no. He has a cookie or some kind of sweet every now and then. He eats all the proper foods, gets all the proper exercise (and then some) and yes he eats french fries every once and a while. I do not think having something that is "bad" for him is a bad thing. I do however think too much of the "bad" foods are bad.

I never once thought it was anyone else's job to teach my child what foods to eat and how to live an active lifestyle.  I do not understand when people say it is anyone else's fault then their own when their child is obese. Stop feeding them crap! Pretty simple to me. People always want someone to blame for their own actions. Instead at looking at their role in the situation.

I think it is interesting how our society has changed, we now blame others for our bad habits and never take credit for the things that are going wrong in our own lives.  I highly doubt the "commercial" made people fat, it is call free will people!!

I will be teaching my children what foods to eat, how much activity they need and how to control their own destiny thank you very much. I do not want someone I do not know trying to teach them how to run their lives.

Things I never want to forget Part 2

So when I saw a fellow blogger/friend do this I thought this would be a great addition to my blog. It is a list of all the things I never want to forget. It helps remind me of all the precious things my boys do.

1. I never want to forget how sweet a baby smells.
2. I never want to forget how cute Tristen looks when he is mad.
3. I never want to forget how cute giggles are.
4. I never want to forget the feeling of baby skin.
5. I never want to forget how much fun my kids have in the bathtub.
6. I never want to forget the look in Connors eyes as he is eating.
7. I never want to forget how precious my boys look when they are sleeping.
8. I never want to forget how excited Tristen gets when Shane comes home from work.
9. I never want to forget how special Tristen feels when he gets one on one attention.
10. I never want to forget how happy Tristen gets when we play outside.
11. I never want to forget the biggest smiles when Connor sees me in the morning.
12. I never want to forget how blessed I am to be the mom of two perfect little boys and how happy they make me.

A little Boogie

I think one of the funniest things Tristen has done recently is dance. It is just so much fun watching him learn to dance. It is really funny to watch him trying to find the rhythm and feeling out the beat. He dances with all his body and really "feels" the music. He always has such a HUGE smile on his face when he does it. So I thought today maybe I should dance like he does. So I let loose, didn't care what I looked like, if I was on rhythm or beat and just moved.  Before I knew it I had a HUGE smile on my face and Tristen was just looking at me with such love I started to tear up.

It is moments like these that I just love being a mommy. Brings to life the saying live...laugh... love!

Education

I was pretty impressed with some of the remarks President Obama made during his State of the Nation speech about Education. I am not a political person, I never state what side I am on or who I voted for. So this is not an opportunity to tell me how much you hate Obama or whatever. If you can argue what he says about Education is wrong I dare you.

Anyway... I was pretty inspired and impressed by the below comments and it got me thinking about how many people do not think about the Education system and their parental duty to it.

Obama stated "so the question is whether all of us – as citizens, and as parents – are willing to do what’s necessary to give every child a chance to succeed. That responsibility begins not in our classrooms, but in our homes and communities. It’s family that first instills the love of learning in a child. Only parents can make sure the TV is turned off and homework gets done. We need to teach our kids that it’s not just the winner of the Super Bowl who deserves to be celebrated, but the winner of the science fair; that success is not a function of fame or PR, but of hard work and discipline." This rang so true to me. I am scared for what type of school my child gets into but that is only half the battle. It is up to my husband and I to put the focus on learning. To get involved in the process and to push my boys harder than the school does.

He also stated "Let’s also remember that after parents, the biggest impact on a child’s success comes from the man or woman at the front of the classroom. In South Korea, teachers are known as “nation builders.” Here in America, it’s time we treated the people who educate our children with the same level of respect. We want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones." It is sad to me that entertainers, the Jersey Shore drunks and the girls of "Teen Mom" make more money than our Teachers who are educating the future of the United States. It has always seemed so backwards to me.

I know it is not some simple fix and there is SO much politics involved behind our education system but I hope that all of us parents truly step up and can make a change for our child's sake!

Pretend Play

Tristen got his kitchen yesterday. He was so excited he kept screaming and running around. He opened all the doors, pulled out all the utensils, plates and then sat there and looked at me as to say "Now what". I didn't even think about it but he had not "pretend played" yet. All of his toys make noise, move or roll. He looked for the noise buttons, tried to turn on the pretend faucet and tried to make a phone call on the pretend phone. He started to get frustrated so I sat down and "cooked" for him, drank out of the cups and put "dinner" in the oven. I did not realize I had to teach him how to "pretend play".

I started to think with all of these toys out there today are we helping or hurting children's growth and development. I wonder how many parents buy these toys to entertain their child so they do not have to. I will admit when I have to cook dinner or make lunch having those type of toys around is like having an extra set of hands but I do not rely on them to entertain my child all day.

Something I also noticed is on the toys and flash cards I recently purchased they have instructions for parents on how to play with their child with them. On the flash card the front has a picture of something and the back has a list of questions for the parents to ask their child. Is this really necessary? Do people not know how to play, entertain and educate their children. I get having ideas on things to do in the day because you can easily get into a rut but do people not know how to interact with their children any more.  To me it is common sense to count the butterflies, go over the shapes and colors  and talk about the object.

I think we often forget that everything is a learning opportunity to our children. Everything is new and exciting and we should relish in that instead of see it as a burden.

What a laugh can do



I think one of the most amazing things about being a mom is making our children laugh. It can turn my horrible day around in that one little giggle. It can bring me to tears to see how happy I can make my kids. I live and die to make them smile and laugh. I have moments when I feel like I am about to crack and one of the boys will give out a big ole' laugh and all that frustration and stress just melts away.

Tristen can be pushing my every button and when I am about to blow he looks up and will smile or laugh and as much as I want to fight it and stay mad I cannot help but laugh along with him.

As I look back at my life laughter has gotten me through almost everything. During Elementary school I used to get teased endlessly and instead of hiding I would laugh along with them. Eventually those kids gave up and moved on to someone else. Come Jr. High I found people who appreciated my humor and most of which I am still really close to. I also married my Jr. High boyfriend, but that is a whole different story. In High School my humor is what I think people remember me for, good and bad. I was able to laugh at myself when I attempted to play basketball and continued to play all 4 years because I enjoyed it and without being able to laugh at my mistakes I doubt I would have continued.

To this day when something gets too sad, too uncomfortable or when I am trying to cheer someone up I turn to humor. The power of laughter is just amazing. So I will leave you with a few of my favorite jokes. All are clean and I have learned all of them from kids. They maybe dumb but I challenge you not to laugh or at least smile at them :)

Q: What does the fish say when he hits concrete?
A: Dam

Q: How do you get a tissue to dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it.

Q. What do you call a Fish with no eyes?
A: FSHHHH

Laughing yet?!?!?!

Biggest Challenge

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.Martin Luther King, Jr.
When I made the decision to start breastfeeding I did not realize what a challenge it would be. With Tristen I supplemented with formula to try and help him sleep better, which did not work. Then we went on vacation and I was too embarrassed to feed in front of people so I kept giving formula bottles and not pumping. By the time I got home my milk was almost gone. I tried pumping and feeding all day and it just was not coming back so I gave up and we fed Tristen formula. Although I felt horrible about it, it was nice to know how much he was eating and Shane could help. I guess you can say I kinda got spoiled by it.

This time around I was determined not to make the same mistakes. We supplemented with formula in the beginning before my milk came in. I let Connor try and eat for an hour and then fed him formula so I was letting him do his job and bring my milk in. That is the only formula he has ever had and I am very proud of that.

Now when he is gassy or super fussy it is a huge guessing game..What did I eat...What is wrong with him...Is he not eating enough...Am I not making enough. It is alot more stress than I realized. Not know how much he is getting is a constant concern and it drives me a little batty. Having to trust my instinct and knowing when my child is full is a little stressful. I am not sure if it is a control thing or what but I hate that part of breast feeding.

As easy as it would be to just say I give up and just give him formula. I know I am doing what is best for my child. Providing him the best nutrition for him. I am also really addicted to it, I love knowing that no matter what I can care for my child. He will always have food with me and having that special bond with him is something I really didn't have with Tristen.

Breastfeeding has been my biggest challenge but it has also been my biggest reward. Having faith is hard to do but when you let go and have faith everything always seems to work out

Through my Toddlers Eyes

I recently read an article that made me really think what life must be like through Tristen's eyes. As many of you know first hand living with a Toddler is not easy in the least. We are constantly running after them picking up the disaster they make, telling them NO when they get into something they are not supposed to and get frustrated when they discover a new thing to play with that is not theirs.

The article used the example of a toddler playing with the tape dispenser and instead of yelling no and taking the dispenser away they suggested to rip off the tape they have pulled out and say the tape is not for the toddler and putting it away. Letting them play with the tape because it is a new sensory experience and letting them explore is how children learn.

It made me think of the many times I have said no when T was doing something he was not supposed to instead of remembering he is just a toddler exploring his environment. For example the other day Tristen came running into the living room sooo proud because he got the coffee grounds out of the trash and they felt so neat on his hands...I of course flipped out because I knew my kitchen was now covered in coffee grinds. After reading this article it made me think how I could have handled that better and explained to him that the trash is not for him and then used the time to let him explore the coffee grinds, I mean he wasn't eating them I could have grabbed the art paper right there and let him "paint" with them. Plus it was my own fault for letting the trash get high enough for him to reach in and grab it. (Note: We do have a lid but it broke and we have yet to get a new one)

Sometimes it is hard to remember that they are just toddlers, 18 months old in my case, and just don't know better. They are not purposely trying to ruin your nice clean floors, they are just exploring their environment. I love reading articles like this because it brings me out of my "I am Mom" mode and helps me really look at the why my child does the things he does and how I can be a better parent.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/toddler/115208/stop_being_mean_to_your

Mommy bootcamp: Potty Training

So as I learn new things through the Mommy bootcamp I will post some tricks. We are back into potty training again, we got a little side tracked during the holidays. I had some tips from fellow mommies and learned somethings on my own. Below is a list of things that have helped out alot...so far

1. Baby Legs: They are leg warmers for boys and girls. They are one size fits all and come in a ton of designs. The reason I love these is because it keeps their little legs warm with out getting in the way when rushing to the potty. The faster we get to the potty and on the pot the more likely we are to pee in the potty not our diaper. (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003TY3OPW/ref=ord_cart_shr?ie=UTF8&m=AG32KV25K8B8A) Plus they are great on Connor as well. It saves time from having to pull off pants to change the diaper.

2. Bjorn potty: We got ours on Amazon.com. Too many people go out and get the expensive fancy singing potty and forget the focus is on peeing in the potty not sitting and being entertained by the musical chair. I can see why this may work for some people and if you have extra money to spend on one great but for all purposes this cheap potty does the trick. (http://www.amazon.com/BabyBj%C3%B6rn-055115US-BABYBJ%C3%96RN-Potty-Chair/dp/B000056J7L/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1295469233&sr=8-1)

3. Dollar store books: I have new ones rotating in the bathroom to keep him focused at the job at hand. I check out Targets dollar section and also the dollar store to keep things in our budget. T loves that each time he goes in there they are different books.

4. Pull ups: We do not use that as a teaching tool just as easy access in the rush to catch the pee in the potty. I do not think T understands the difference between pull ups and diapers. When we get the hang of things more than we will move to big boy pants.

5. Travel Potty: We have not used this yet but a neighbor of mine suggested to have it in the car when we are on the go. It looks like a great product to have and cheap (http://www.amazon.com/Kalencom-1730-blue-Potty-Blue/dp/B000F1MM2I/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1295469422&sr=8-6)

6. Piddle Pad: We also have not used this yet but got this tip from a fellow mom as well for when we are in full steam to prevent having to wash the car seat all the time. (http://www.amazon.com/Summer-Infant-Deluxe-Piddle-Black/dp/B0038JE3QC/ref=pd_sim_ba_5)

Well so far that is what I have, I am sure as we get further into the process I will have more.

Babies in Bloom

For those of you in the Oceanside Area there is this great little store called Babies in Bloom. It has a ton of great baby products, there are alot of great mommy and baby classes. They are a great support system for breast feeding mommy's and have a lactation consultant on hand for questions and support. They have a great section of learning toys, none of them make sound which is great because it forces the kids to be creative and make their own sounds. Below is their website, if you have time check them out.

I had gotten some potty training supplies there. Baby legs was the main purpose but the learning toys was a bonus. I had gotten T a wooden train, it has colored blocks on them so he can practice his choo choo sounds, colors, number (counting the blocks) and fine motor skills with the stacking. T was super excited about it he refused to eat lunch so he could play with it :)

http://babies-in-bloom.com/

Cry it out Method

We went for our monthly Dr appointment for Connor the other day. While discussing what was going on with him we talked about how he has not been sleeping well. We believed it is due to his stomach but the Dr suggested that he has just become used to using me to get his gas out and used to eating multiple times at night. So he said to start doing the cry it out method.

He advised us to feed him while he was sleepy right before we went to bed, which is about 10pm for me. Then he suggested to just let him cry if and when he wakes up to get him used to getting himself back to sleep. The way he said it made it sound so simple and easy. Like it was just a little event and in 3-4 days he would be sleeping 12 hours a night...Well I underestimated the power of my baby's cry!!!

The first night I fed Connor at 10pm and he ate for almost 40 minutes. I am thinking to myself "wow he is eating alot I doubt he wakes up at all...this is going to be so easy"...I am pretty sure I jinxed myself because at 4 am Connor woke up. Shane was there to help so he would rock Connor for 30 minutes but as soon as Shane laid him down he woke up screaming. So then I tried rocking for 30 minutes and the same thing happened.

After a little debate we choose to follow the Dr's instructions and just let him cry. He did pretty well, 10 minutes of crying and then slept for 20-30 min and then another 10 minutes of crying and sleeping 20-30 minutes. This went on until about 6:30am and then I fed him.

Night 2 was a whole different Ball game. First of all Shane was not home and secondly Connor had different plans for me than sleeping. I fed him about 11 pm last night thinking maybe if I fed him a little later he would sleep better. Instead he woke up at 3am. I put his binkie in thinking maybe he would go right out, but nope...this just pissed him off and he lost it. He finally stopped crying about 3:45 and slept until 4:20 and then the chaos began. Connor did not stop crying until 6:00am when I fed him again. No matter what I tried he would just get more upset. So I just laid in bed and cried.

Maybe the reason it is called the cry it out method has more to do with the Mommy crying than the baby crying.  I am hoping night 3 goes a little better. There is nothing harder than to listen to your baby cry out for you and to ignore it. I kept reminding myself he will not remember I am torturing him. He will love me anyway. He will be better for this. Sure enough soon after starting to feed him he looked up at me and smiled...Either to say "ha I won" or "I love you anyway mommy" I would like to think it is the second option :)

It takes a Village

Over the holidays my family and I went to Atlanta for 3 weeks to spend some quality time with my parents In Atlanta, GA. Normally we only see each other for a long weekend. So I thought why not spend a while there so my parents can really get to spend time with the boys.

It was nice having help with the boys. Having people want to hold them, want to take them on walks and wanting to help with bedtime. Normally during the day it is all on me and then at night my husband will help with dinner and bath. We share the responsibility but neither one of us gets a break. So it was nice having a night where I didn't have to do a thing. So needless to say it was a great Christmas!

When at the park with my dad and the boys I started chatting with a fellow mommy and when she realized I live in California her first response was "Oh my Gosh who helps you with the kids" I said well my husband and she said "No, who else!!" like she was shocked that my husband and I do it all.

It got me thinking on the phrase it takes a village to raise a child and how much that has changed since my mom was a parent. She had family living near by, lots of family. She knew her neighbors and they knew her. Now our family is ALL over the United States. I only have an Uncle in LA and Shane has an Aunt and Uncle even further than that. We are just now meeting and getting to know our neighbors after 9 months of being here. My biggest support is my Mother over the phone and the Internet full of friends and strangers offering support and advice. Funny how the village now is full of strangers and people all over the United States. Although I would kill to be in the same town as my parents. I know that my mom is only a phone call away and we are only a 5 hour flight if anything was so serious that she needed to be here.

I think there are so many pros and cons about the new village I wouldn't know where to start. All I know is it is working for us and when it doesn't we either fly my mom in, meet her somewhere or fly there. I also have alot of comfort in the fact I have great neighbors, friends and online support :)

Self Doubt

It is truly amazing how fast self doubt creeps in when you are a mom. I am constantly asking myself "is this the right thing to do" and "Am I screwing up here?" As much as I tell myself to just relax it just sneaks in.

I keep thinking that when the boys can start talking I will feel better. They can tell me what is wrong, what they want and what they do not. Although deep down I know that won't be the case. There will always be that little voice in the back of my head saying..."are you sure??"

Last night after a very stressful day and constant wondering if I was doing what I should as a parent I decided to take today as it came, no "parenting", no worrying, and no questioning myself. So I did, when Tristen started to cry because he wanted to go out instead of take a nap, we went out side. When Connor cried because he just wanted to be held I sat and held him. When Connor was screaming when I was trying to feed him I stopped and let him go to sleep. It was a nice break of the constant worry and questioning.

I know that if the boys are tired they will sleep, if they are hungry they will eat and to just live in the moment with them. Instead of trying to constantly teach them how to sleep, eat and act. I think sometimes I over parent, trying to mold them into "good" children instead of just letting them be...children.

So I am going to vow to take each day as it comes, treasure the moments and try my best to not let that sneaky self doubt creep in.