By no you mean...yes?!?!?

Why is it in beaded into woman to analyze everything people say. "He said yes....but does he really mean No"? I have yet to meet another woman who doesn't do this. It's not just with our husbands, partners or boyfriends, it's with everyone.

We are always second guessing someones motives, feelings and opinions. I do it on a daily basis, sometimes hourly depending on who I am around. Why is it we never take someone at face value. Is it a learned "skill" from our experiences, or are we born with it as a "survival" tactic.

Sometimes I am right, I have guessed or felt the reason motive behind someones actions. But other times I am sooo off base. I would say its a 50/50 odds I will have the real motive, thoughts or opinions behind a persons actions.

I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I have ruined friendships because I thought too deep into someones words or actions but I have saved myself hurt by shutting people out that way too. Is this just a woman thing or do Men do it too?

I have never heard my husband say "well she offered to carry my bags but do you think its because she thinks I am lazy" Or analyze why someone complimented how he looked that day. But I know I have said/thought those things.

Maybe its just one of life's little mysteries that we never figure out. I would love to say from this day forward I will not read into things but I know for a fact that's not possible for me. I know I will always read into things, lets just hope it doesn't run off friends ;)

Detox

So I am in the mists of a detox, and no its not any illicit drugs but a drug no less...sugar. My comfort food is junk food, anything sweet and all things bad for you. Since the news last week of the miscarriage I went on a bender of chocolate bunnies, smores and hamburgers. Today is the first day back to normal and boy is my body pissed.

You don't realize when you are eating all that sugar that it is truly a drug. You can become addicted to it and dependant on it just like any other drugs. So many argue its the leading killer out of all the drugs because sugar leads to people being over weight which leads to many other problems that can lead to death.

I keep telling myself this as my head is about to explode from my detox of crap. I know in 3 days I will feel so much better. Its sad really that we eat these things to make ourselves feel better in the moment but in the long run it makes us feel worse.

So today is the first day back on track. My goal is a number but ultimately its to be a healthier and happier mommy. I need to be the example to my boys on what healthy eating is.  Today maybe rough but in the long run when my body is not dependant on sugar I will feel like myself again :)

Vows

So as May starts it always makes me think of my wedding. This year is our 3rd wedding anniversary and it feels like yesterday Shane kissed me for the first time in 8th grade. Hard to imagine so much time has gone by and now I am married to that little boy, although that little boy is now a man, we have two perfect little boys and are celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary.

It got me thinking about our wedding vows. When I said them I never really thought about the words. I knew the commitment we were making but to me the ceremony wasn't what made my commitment to Shane. I got to thinking today about the things we have been through since we got married.

We found out the day after our wedding we were pregnant, we moved to California a week after our wedding, 6 weeks later we found out we lost the baby, 3 weeks after that we found out Shane's mom's cancer was back, 6 weeks after that we found out we were pregnant with Tristen, 2 weeks after that we lost Shane's mom, 9 months later we had Tristen, 6 months later we were pregnant with Connor, 10 months later he was born, 7 months later we buy a house in Nebraska and find out we are pregnant again, 3 weeks later we lose the baby. Its been a crazy 3 years and I am so blessed to have my best friend through all of those ups and downs.

Our vows went like this " I, Shane take you Sarah, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part". Those simple words mean so much to me now. With all the things we have gone through in not only the 3 years of marriage but also the 15 years we have known each other. I am so grateful to have him in my life and as my partner.

Counting the blessings

Someone said to me when I was upset about the loss of my baby to count my blessings....at first I was hurt but as I thought about it tonight I thought what a great idea....let me count my blessings because I do have MANY more than most and should be happy and think about those. So lets count the blessings!!!!

1. Two healthy/happy boys
2. My husband/best friend partner in life Shane
3. The most amazing parents who support everything I do
4. Being able to stay at home and enjoy every moment with my boys
5. A husband who loves to cook
6. A husband who loves his boys and helps with everything he can
7. Being able to move and buy a house
8. Having the best friends
9. Not having to stress about money and bills
10. My husbands job

So I have MANY more but you get the point :) The saying "Count your blessings" does help. Knowing I have so much helps the hurt of losing something little. I am so blessed to have been able to conceive and deliver my boys with no issues. There are so many people who can't do that. I think my miscarriages have taught me to appreciate them even more. Life is so precious, too precious to waste on grief and sadness. So I am choosing to spend my life on the happy not the sad.

I have always been a firm believer of the phrase "'fake it till you make it" and I think it applies here. I might not feel happy but I am going to "fake" it and one day I won't have to fake it I will be happy again :)

Finding the meaning

Probably the most asked question is "what is the meaning of life". I am not a religious person but I am spiritual. I believe in God and that everything happens for a reason. The things we go through are to teach us something. It is sometimes obvious the lessons we are learning and other times it takes a few years before you realize why we went through those experiences.

After this loss I kept asking myself "what is the lesson here" and "what am I supposed to learn". I trust in God's plan for me and my family but sometimes it is hard to see the rainbow through the rain. I think the hardest thing is having faith in something you cannot see or feel. Trusting that things always work out and that nothing happens on accident; that there is always a reason.

It reminds me of the song by Garth Brooks, Unanswered prayers. I have had so many countless unanswered prayers that I am so happy never came true. So every time I get sad that we lost this baby I remind myself something great is just around the corner and to trust in God's plan for me. Because everything does happen for a reason and this is just another unanswered prayer.

Moving

I completely enjoy the moving process...well before kids. I love putting our stuff in boxes, I clean everything really well so when I open them in the new place its fresh and ready to be put in shelves and on walls. I have moved alot in my life. growing up the longest place we lived in was the 4 years in high school. I have been to countless schools and a few states.

I like starting over, meeting new people and being in new places. Shane and I have been together 5 years and we have moved 6 times. This last move will be our final for a while. I am looking forward to making a home for my family. Making some concrete memories and traditions. Making this place our home.

This time the packing/cleaning process has been a little rough with two little ones running around. Not only can I not pack while they are awake because they take my focus away or Tristen is digging into the box. But it also seems to stress them out because they don't understand why mom is putting stuff away.

I also have to wait to pack stuff up because they need so much stuff on a daily basis. I can't pack toys up yet, curtains, clothes, even dishes.

I think I have a really good packing system now and feel pretty confident I can pack the rest of our stuff up with very little stress on me and the boys. I am just hoping that we can really settle into the new place and not have to worry about moving the next year :)

Putting on faces

It's amazing all the faces we put on just to get through the day. We put on a happy face when we are sad, we put on a safe face when we are scared, we put on a strong face when we are weak, we even put on make up to cover our real faces.

What's wrong with showing how we really feel. Why can't we cry in sadness when we should be happy. Why can't we be scared and weak when we should be strong and confident. Putting on all of these faces is exhausting and alot of work.

The reason we put on these faces is not for ourselves but for other people. We are programmed to protect other people, to try and prevent them from feeling pain or hurting their feelings. Sometimes I want to just let all of these faces fall and let how I really feel out. Regardless of how it hurts them but of course I won't nor would anyone else.

I am lucky to have people who can see the real me, see how I really feel with no "face" on. Having that safe person is so important and I am so luck to have more than one person to share how I really feel with!

Life is never easy

Life is never easy but it is totally worth it. I have never been a depressive type of person. I have my moments of sadness but I  think I am pretty good at moving on, being positive and not holding on to the past. Although I am sad about our miscarriage today is a new day.

Shane and I have had a lot of ups and downs and I think now we are pretty good at rolling with the punches. We always seem to have a ton of balls in the air and some how we catch them all. So although this wasn't planned we will roll with it.

We have so many good things to focus on, our boys, the move to Nebraska and owning our own home that dwelling in our sad day just doesn't feel right. When you get knocked down at some point you have to get up again. For me today is that day!

Another Angel

So today is a sad day. I woke up with some bleeding and cramping, I headed to the Drs office knowing in my heart my baby was gone. During the ultrasound I just stared at my two beautiful boys to keep me focused on something positive. I think I only heard 1/2 of what she said because I don't think my heart could take the news.

No matter how many times you have a miscarriage or how far along you are it still a pain like no other. A piece of your heart dies. I am the type of person who falls in love easy and as soon as that test says positive that's it I am in love. So it is heartbreaking to hear that little person, no matter how small its is, that I fell in love with is gone.

I think because I have gone through this before its a little easier to deal with and being able to look at my perfect little boys gets me through and keeps my mind off things. Deep down I know that everything happens for a reason and I trust in God's plan for me and my family but today that knowledge doesn't make me feel any better.

I keep thinking about all the plans we made, the names we picked out and the hopes/dreams we had about expanding our family. And now its all gone, like it never existed and I am left a little broken. I don't forget for a second how blessed I already am and try to tell myself that God just needed another perfect little angel.

I am so lucky to have a great husband, beautiful kids, amazing family and friends who support me and love me. Life does go on, my heart will heal and maybe one day another baby will come around.

I wonder....

I always see these put together moms with well behaved super smart kids and I wonder...how the heck to do they do it. I feel like I jumped on a treadmill at full speed and can't get my feet under me to get into my stride. I see them with makeup on, nice clothes, kids look happy and well behaved and I have on jeans and a t-shirt, hair in a pony possibly some powder but never full make up and one of my kids is usually crying.

I am sure some of my self doubt is playing into this, but it feels like they have some magical secret with being the "Perfect" mom and I on the other hand am still in survival mode. We take each day as it comes and hope we all survive. Now I know my kids are happy, healthy and get everything they need. But I always look at those moms and wish I knew the secret. They seem so calm and have it all together.

When I think about adding one more to the mix I start to have a panic attack...3 under 30 months....wow. How am I going to survive, how am I going to be that "perfect" mom. I don't ever worry about having enough love to give to 3 babies because I think I have enough for LOTS more. Its my patience and sanity I worry about LOL I keep trying to remind myself people do it all the time. My kids will get all the education they need from me, I will have time for each of them and its not that important if I have make up on.

Life on Auto Pilot

It is truly amazing how quickly time passes when you put life on auto pilot. I swear I blinked and its been months since I last wrote. ALOT has happened during that time. We got an amazing surprise and are expecting baby Darling #3. It was not planned but sometimes the best things in life are not planned. It took me a while to breath once I saw the little plus sign I think it was like a week later LOL I am such a planner that this completely through me for a loop. Shane of course was the stable one and didn't blink or miss a beat when I told him. Which was so comforting to me to know that he thought it was all going to be just fine. I keep telling myself people have kids this close together and survive. I also keep thanking God to be so lucky to be able to have babies with no problems. So many deserving people are unable to have their own children and I have a hard time not making babies, I would say that is a total blessing. We however, are done for sure. Once we know everything is ok with this baby Shane is getting fixed. No more surprise babies for me!!!

Another major change in our lives is also happening at the same time. We are moving back to Nebraska...wow I really never thought those words would come from my mouth. It is truly the best thing for my family. We have bought a house, which I have yet to see in person, its a good thing I trust Shane LOL We are moving in 18 days and I am so excited. My kids with grow up with family around them, have great schools, and be able to have something to call their own. I am so proud of the decision we made and cannot wait to make memories in our first home


So that's all the exciting things happening here! I will try and post more because there are so many things going on everyday that I would love to share! Thanks Sue for the push :)