Welcome to Holland

This post truly touched me. I would hope if I ever have a child with challenges I would look at it as this person does. It brings home the point that EVERY child is a blessing.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

That time agian...

So tonight I had to go through all of Connor's clothes to clean out the ones he cannot fit into any more. I hate doing this. It always makes me so sad. To think of how fast he is growing, how much money was spent on these clothes that he only wore a couple times and super sad that I might never pull out these clothes again.

It is truly amazing how quick babies grow. I swear I pick him up in the morning and he has doubled his size over night. Its like all of a sudden he went from a newborn to a baby to a infant over night. It is so hard not to get lost in the daily life and miss all the little changes. With Tristen I was so anxious to see what was next I didn't take time to see what was going on at the moment. With Connor I have learned to take time and just watch all the little things that he is doing now because in the back of my mind I know that this could be that last baby we have.

With Tristen I always knew we were going to have another so I never got sad about not seeing things again. With Connor I know that this could be it so when Connor does something for the first time it is bitter sweet because I know that could be the last time I see a baby laugh for the first time, or roll for the first time or blow razzeberries for the first time. 

These moments are so precious I never want to let them go. I have started considering making a quilt out of all their baby clothes so when they grow up and leave me one day I will be able to snuggle in this blanket made of all their baby memories and remember that no matter what I will always have something to hold on to. I am sure they will always love their momma but I know one day there will be another woman who will take them away and I know that's the plan but it will be bittersweet for me as I am sure it is bittersweet for every mother of a little boy.

The Power of Water

Aside from all the normal things we need water for i.e life, water is magical in my house. It can cure any bad mood, make tummy aches go away and turn a boring day into the best one yet. My kids LOVE water, it is a my go to thing when I don't know what to do.

Today I thought to get some quality mommy and Tristen time I would get water balloons and Tristen and I would have a balloon fight. I learned today there is an art to filling up and tying a water balloon. I was completely soaked and it took me an hour to fill up the bucket full of the balloons. Of course I was a totally girl about it and made sure there were enough of each color so the bucket looked nice.

Tristen ate his lunch, I got Connor all set up outside and let Tristen out. He ran over to the bucket of balloons all excited and curious. He picked one up and it popped in his hand. Then all Hell broke loose. He went screaming and running for cover. I tried to show him they were safe, tried to get him to touch the balloon, showed him it was fun to have them pop on his feet. But all he did was scream at the sight of them.

Eventually he would let me pick one up if I held him so I made it a game and then let him throw them. In the end he warmed up to them but I was shocked that he did not like them right away. Poor Tristen is going to look back on all of these videos and think I am such a mean mommy LOL

You don't use it you lose it!

So the saying is true, "If you don't use it you lose it"! I used to be this smart woman who wrote  interesting papers, with no grammar mistakes or spelling errors. Now that woman is no where to be found. I knew that by writing this blog I would invoke reactions, one of the reactions I was not expecting was people telling me I need to proof read my blog better, check my grammar closer and to use spell check (which I do). It saddens me that I have lost my touch when it comes to writing. My husband was polite when approaching me with this but my feelings were a little hurt. One of the feelings I hate the most is feeling stupid.

All the baby talk, Disney cartoons and goo goo gaa gaa's have gotten to me. It never even occurred to me that I would turn into this babbling buffoon. I even find it hard to carry on a normal adult conversation. The topic always turns to poop I swear.

Have I become this uninteresting, uneducated (I do have a masters degree), babbling idiot? One of the reasons I wanted to write this blog was to use my brain. I feel like most days I NEVER use it, not once during that day, heck sometimes I swear I go a week without using it.

When I became I mom I knew things would change but I was not prepared for me to lose my "smarts", I didn't have any extra to lose in the first place.

Cooking Darling Boy Style

Last night I was way to tired to actually make dinner. So Tristen, Connor and I all voted and decided pancakes for dinner was the best option. Tristen was overly tired and VERY whiny so I thought "why not let him help" So I pulled Tristen up to the counter, he stood on the chair ( I was right behind him). I let him measure out the mix, crack the egg, pour in the milk and stir.

It wasn't a complete disaster, Tristen was so amazed and proud of himself. He has never "cooked" with us before. It always made me nervous but tonight I knew I was cleaning the kitchen anyway and what is the harm. He actually didn't make much of a mess. He is very careful, he concentrates so hard to make sure he does it "right". It is cute now but I have this sinking feeling this determination might come and bite me on the butt later on.

He watched me as I put the globs of mix on the pan, I let him help me flip them. He stood their at my feet with his plate waiting for his pancakes so patiently. Sometimes he surprises me, He takes direction so well, he wants to help so badly and I kick myself sometimes when I see how happy it makes him. It reminds me that I need to step out of the mommy mode more and let him do things. Regardless of the mess he makes because in the end it is more important that my child is happy, feels self worth and accomplishment than having a clean kitchen.

Drowning in Motherhood

I read a fellow blogger's post about drowning in motherhood and I busted into tears. I have been feeling like I was drowning for a month now. Having two kids 14 months apart is exhausting. I was too embarrassed to talk about my feeling because I wanted people to think I had it all together, that I was the "perfect" mommy. Well SURPRISE I am not LOL.

I realized if I did not talk about my feelings that other moms who felt the same way would also feel like they were alone in their feelings. Too many times we hold all of this in because we are afraid of what people will think. Well I am going to let the cat out of the bag.

I have alot more good days than bad, I would never for a second change my life, but it is H-A-R-D being a mommy.  I thought I was prepared for sleepless nights, stressful days and tantrums but boy was I wrong!! I was also not prepared at how post partum was going to make things that much harder.

There are days I do not have enough patience to deal with the constant screaming from Tristen and feel as though I do not have enough to give to my two babies. When they are both in bad moods and crying I have this overwhelming guilt because I cannot give what they both need. I always feel like one is not getting enough. The logical part of me says that is not true but compared to the Mommy part of me I can barely hear the logical voice.

As many times as my husband tells me I am doing a great job, I do not feel that way. It is very much like drowning, I have days where I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean with no help in sight, fighting to keep my head above water and knowing that in a matter of moments I am going to lose it. 

Do I have good days, of course I do, and in the moments of madness I try and remember them. I try to remind myself that I cannot do everything, I cannot have a perfect house, have the perfect dinner and be the perfect mom/wife all the time...or even most the time. That  most people are like me, I am not the exception, I am the norm.

I wish more people talked about the struggles of being a mom so more of us didn't feel so guilty for not being able to do it all.

Mommy Debates

Before I became a mommy I "knew" how I wanted to raise my child. I assumed it was the way everyone else was raising their children as well. Not until I became a mommy did I realize all the "Mommy Debates" out there.

Epidural vs Natural birth, Breastfeeding vs Formula, To circumcise or not, Co-sleeping or not, Vaccinate or not, cloth vs disposable diapers and solids in the first year or not. There are sooo many moms out there with completely different views on these topics than I have. I did not realize that people did things so differently than I do. If you are a mom you know how strongly fellow moms can feel about the way they are raising their child.

What I was not prepared for was the judgement fellow moms can have if you are not raising your child the same way they are. What I don't understand is why people think the way they are raising their child is better than the way others have raised theirs. Most of us turn out to be amazing people, so why do they think judging and making other moms feel bad about raising their children differently is necessary.

I agree some people should NEVER have kids but for the most part most parents do the best they can for their children, they make the right decisions for them and yes they make mistakes and those children turn out just fine. The mom next door does everything differently, makes different decisions for their children and makes different mistakes and those children turn out just the same.

I might wonder why someone choose to react a certain way or do things differently than I do but it comes from me wanting to learn not to judge.  I wish we could all support each other instead of judge each other. I think the most powerful support system I have is from fellow Mommies and I think everyone should have that support system and it saddens me that some women do not.

So no matter how you choose to raise your child, just know there is a fellow mom out there doing it completely different and still needs your support.

Nutrition

There has been a lot of buzz about the Governments role in our children's nutrition. (again not a political argument just my thoughts). Mrs Obama has a campaign right now to fight childhood obesity. I think all the commercials with her in them are great but it makes me wonder if it is giving parents an out when they feed their children junk food because they expect someone to step in and stop them.

I recently read an article about people wanting the Government to step in and outlaw foods that are bad for our children. I just do not see the purpose of this. Isn't that what parents are for? Isn't that our job? Does my child eat healthy all the time... no. He has a cookie or some kind of sweet every now and then. He eats all the proper foods, gets all the proper exercise (and then some) and yes he eats french fries every once and a while. I do not think having something that is "bad" for him is a bad thing. I do however think too much of the "bad" foods are bad.

I never once thought it was anyone else's job to teach my child what foods to eat and how to live an active lifestyle.  I do not understand when people say it is anyone else's fault then their own when their child is obese. Stop feeding them crap! Pretty simple to me. People always want someone to blame for their own actions. Instead at looking at their role in the situation.

I think it is interesting how our society has changed, we now blame others for our bad habits and never take credit for the things that are going wrong in our own lives.  I highly doubt the "commercial" made people fat, it is call free will people!!

I will be teaching my children what foods to eat, how much activity they need and how to control their own destiny thank you very much. I do not want someone I do not know trying to teach them how to run their lives.