Regrets

People always ask each other the question "What is your biggest regret" and up until this point I always said nothing because I love who I am and where I am at so I wouldn't change anything because it got me here. Well now I have a regret that for some reason just cannot work through.

I am no longer breastfeeding...this is by far my biggest regret. I think about it every moment of every day. I feel like a failure and just cannot get past this. I have so many feelings and emotions about this decision that I thought I would blog about it to just get it all out. Although I am so ashamed to talk about it, that I am going to be judged and looked down upon I just have to get it out.

We went to my brothers wedding the middle of February and up until that point things with breastfeeding were going pretty smooth, Connor's stomach and digestion were a constant issue, I am pretty sure I didn't have the best latch and feeding on the go were not easy but for the most part it was smooth. I let the boys stay with a dear friend and packed up all my reserve breast milk for him. I pumped a couple times that day but not as much as I should have and my supply felt low so I would give a bottle of formula after Connor ate off me.

Through the next couple weeks I would give him a bottle and it seemed I was doing less and less breastfeeding. Before I knew it we were done....and I felt ok about it. Well that is until
I became engorged after two days of not breastfeeding and not only with milk but with guilt, shame and regret.

People work so hard to do what I was able to do and I feel like I failed. I gave up what was best for my son because I felt I wasn't making enough milk but I must have been because I was so engorged. I feel like I failed as a mom for the first time since being a mom. 

No matter how many times someone tells me that I did great, they are proud of me and what a good mom I am I still don't feel that way. I just wish I had spoken to a lactation consultant or reached out for help instead of feeling like I couldn't speak out because I felt like I was failing.

I am sure Connor will be just fine and I will get over this but as for now that is my biggest regret and I would take back that decision in a second.

Perceptions

Perceptions are funny. Two people can look at the exact same thing at the same time and see something completely different. We bring along all of our experiences and use them to judge people and situations. Depending on what experiences we have we judge people positively or negatively.

The perceptions we have about ourselves are always off. Some people think they are hot when they are not and others do not realize how amazing they are. I did not realize how much perceptions plays at part into our daily lives until recently.

I have been struggling with my self image my whole life. As I was looking back at old pictures I remember thinking how horrible I looked and now looking at those pictures I would kill to have that body again. Now I am on the other side of the spectrum where I look at myself and all I see are the flaws, the imperfections, the wrinkles, added weight and marks my kids have left behind.

Why is it that as women we never see what we have and are grateful for it? My perceptions of myself effect most things in my life. I used to be really social but now my self image plays apart in my shyness when meeting new people.  I am sure their perceptions of me are not what I think they are but the reel of self doubt always plays through my head when I see new people.

As kids we run around and when we come across a new face we are excited and we are friends instantly. Now as adults we question everything, why are they saying hi, who are they, what are they looking at, do they think I am ugly, are they judging me. Now making friends is a job not exciting like it used to be. I miss the simple days of when we were younger before perceptions crept in and we took everything at face value.