I am no longer breastfeeding...this is by far my biggest regret. I think about it every moment of every day. I feel like a failure and just cannot get past this. I have so many feelings and emotions about this decision that I thought I would blog about it to just get it all out. Although I am so ashamed to talk about it, that I am going to be judged and looked down upon I just have to get it out.
We went to my brothers wedding the middle of February and up until that point things with breastfeeding were going pretty smooth, Connor's stomach and digestion were a constant issue, I am pretty sure I didn't have the best latch and feeding on the go were not easy but for the most part it was smooth. I let the boys stay with a dear friend and packed up all my reserve breast milk for him. I pumped a couple times that day but not as much as I should have and my supply felt low so I would give a bottle of formula after Connor ate off me.
Through the next couple weeks I would give him a bottle and it seemed I was doing less and less breastfeeding. Before I knew it we were done....and I felt ok about it. Well that is until
I became engorged after two days of not breastfeeding and not only with milk but with guilt, shame and regret.
People work so hard to do what I was able to do and I feel like I failed. I gave up what was best for my son because I felt I wasn't making enough milk but I must have been because I was so engorged. I feel like I failed as a mom for the first time since being a mom.
No matter how many times someone tells me that I did great, they are proud of me and what a good mom I am I still don't feel that way. I just wish I had spoken to a lactation consultant or reached out for help instead of feeling like I couldn't speak out because I felt like I was failing.
I am sure Connor will be just fine and I will get over this but as for now that is my biggest regret and I would take back that decision in a second.
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