Learning to be a parent

No one ever tells you how to be a parent, you watch how other people do it, watch parents on TV and try and trust your own instincts. But it is inevitable you will make a mistake. I didn't realise what a learning curve I would have when it came to parenting my own child. You go about your day doing what you think is great parenting and then you read an article or have a behavior that is developing you don't like and then you realize you have been doing things wrong all along.

This has just happened to me. I joined a group on facebook called positive parenting, they posted an article about parenting a defiant child. Not that Tristen is really defiant but I am starting to see aggressive behaviors that is he is refusing to change. Come to find out kids before the age of 6 do not understand the word "don't". So when you say "Don't touch that" they hear "touch that". Well no wonder T smiles and then touches whatever we tell him not to. The best approach is to tell and show them what you want them to do. Which is pretty common sense but for some reason didn't occur to me when it came to the DVD player and TV. I model soft and gentle touch when it comes to Connor but didn't think to apply that to the other things he hits.

Also in the article it talked about 3 different parenting approaches and steps to follow with the proper approach. I have posted them below for anyone who would like to learn more.

There are so many parenting tips and tools but until you run into an issue you don't realize what to do. And what is more interesting what works for one child may not work for the other. I swear my kids need to come with owner's manual so I know how to best approach each of them to get them to behave. I also have to keep reminding myself that Tristen is only 17 months old and just because he gets things easily doesn't mean he really understands what I am trying to tell him to do.

Approaches

A passive approach says, “Approve of me, love me, is it okay with you if___.” A passive approach does not engender respect or compliance, so a passive person often resorts to manipulation or ‘going through the back door’ to get their needs met. Passive communication is not effective communication.

 

An aggressive approach says, “I am right and you are wrong, no matter what.” It often includes threats, blame, severe consequences or “you” statements that are focused solely on the other person. An aggressive approach invites a defensive response and engenders fear. Aggressive communication is not effective communication.

 

An assertive approach says, “Do this,” in a clear and respectful manner with a voice of no doubt. With children, follow these steps to deliver an assertive command:

1. Establish eye contact by approaching the child, getting down on his/her level and moving closer until he/she notices you. For easily distracted children, you may need to get as close as six inches.
2. Verbally tell the child what you want him/her to do. State your expectations clearly and simply. Be certain that the statement is formulated in the positive… focus on what you want them to do and paint a clear picture with your words. “Hold my hand so you are safe when we cross the street.” “Give me the scissors. They are sharp and could cut you.” “Use a quiet voice while we are in the museum.” “Pick up the markers and put them in the shoe box.”
3. Give visual, auditory and tactile cues as often as possible. Demonstrate a gentle touch, gesture in the direction you wish the child to move, practice what a soft voice sounds like, etc.
4. Send the nonverbal message “just do it” with the tone of your voice and with your nonverbal stance as you give the command. If your nonverbal cues are passive, your child may easily refuse. If your nonverbal cues are aggressive, your child will resist in self-defense. When nonverbal and verbal communication both say, “Just do it,” you let the child know your command has meaning.
5. Celebrate your child’s success. The minute the child begins to show any degree of compliance, jump in with praise. Even if s/he wasn’t really going to comply, s/he likely will comply once you begin to praise him/her. “Good for you,” “You did it,” and “way to go” followed by a description of the child’s action are great ways to celebrate them without judging. “Way to go! You’re reaching for my hand so we can cross the street safely!”
6. If your child chooses not to comply, repeat the request and say, “I’m going to show you what to do.” Lead the child gently and instructively in completing the request. Say, “I’m going to show you how to cross the street safely” and take the child’s hand in yours.

Information from the website: http://www.consciousdiscipline.com/resources/challenging_behavior.asp